Distance yourself from a kind of person who makes you feel a little less worthy than what you really are every time he refuses to choose you, or worse, to not even have you in his options at all. Don’t let him fool you with his bullshit excuses of being busy or not having time to respond to your texts or do the things he used to do with you because people never really run out of time, it’s only a matter of deciding how and with whom we would want it to be spent with. I’m not talking about a whole day, it could be a small talk about little things during a 15-minute coffee break or a simple Saturday night date. The point is, if he takes you seriously, he will make a quality time for you, not just a spare time he has after doing all other things with all other people he picked over you.
Let me remind you, you certainly deserve better. You deserve more than just being a fallback for cancelled plans or a companion when no one else is available. You deserve to be someone to talk to at the most inconvenient times. You deserve to be asked first. You deserve to be put first. And once in a while, you deserve to be an unquestionable first.
i’ve always been on the verge of tears for wanting to be all the things you would love
because i thought if i were,
maybe i would have been enough
maybe you wouldn’t have turned your back on me.
but you did, way easier than how it was supposed to be
without even telling me why,
as if i didn’t matter.
didn’t i matter?
didn’t you have even the slightest thought that somehow, i deserve an explanation for being left alone like that?
there were times i thought the love we had was a mistake
but i thought wrong.
the mistake wasn’t the first time you asked for my name and wrote it at the back of your notes or the untold feelings behind each other’s glances for more than a minute.
it wasn’t the first conversation we had until the clock hit the AM or the times you made me feel special
it wasn’t the warmest hug we shared underneath your sheets or the kiss we stole in school that one afternoon when nobody’s looking.
it wasn’t the time you missed a band performance you’ve waited all day just to drop me home or how you kissed my forehead whenever we part.
the mistake wasn’t the first time you confessed you love me and how i made a stupid grin upon reading it.
it wasn’t the night i told myself how much i feel the same for you, how much i wanted it to be you.
i wanted it to be you.
i loved you,
and it was beautiful.
i felt it, and for me it was real.
the mistake wasn’t the love we had, baby.
it was you.
Tonight, you’re lying right next to me, sleeping deeply and soundly and snoring just a bit louder than the every beat of my heart pounding at rapidly increasing pace while I bury myself on the rubble of my own contemplations.
“Why me?“
I asked at the back of my head while looking from your defined, slightly round chin and sturdy jaw line all the way up to those thick, long eyelashes.
“Of all the girls roving around almost anywhere you can turn your head to, why did you end up with me?”
I can feel a pile of bricks resting on my chest. It feels so heavy. And overwhelming at the same time. Because I know you chose me for a purpose. A purpose that even you might not have known yet. Or probably one I am yet to find out, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I’m on my way to becoming a better person, not than anybody else, not just for you. But than myself. And for myself.
2016 is over, finally
I have to be honest, it wasn’t so nice meeting u. U’ve been the toughest year for me and I have poured a lot of tears for all the mess u brought me. They happened all at once and those failures were too much for me to handle. Up until now I’m still in the process of figuring out how to redeem myself from all these troubles but though I’ve been on my lowest low with u, I have to admit that at some point u’ve been generous enough to leave me with memories and people I’ll have to thank you for: For the courage to finally walk away from the constant pain I’ve been distressing myself with, for new people who came, for those who stayed, and for him. Maybe u were destined to be half pathetic half okay, but u’re over and I know I need to get over u as well and just hope that this year becomes a gentler one. So 2017, please be a gentler one.
(via artlesssss)
One day, she started talking to him again. After two long years of burying herself to uncertainties and regrets and everything in between, she finally found the missing piece of her broken maybes and should haves.
10th of December, 2014
It was just yesterday when we were still madly in love with each other. But yesterday is just a dump of everything we wasted to make things work out for both of us.
I feel lost, I fear to take a step. I want to be with you, I want you back, baby. I miss you, just as much as I’m afraid to see you again. Should I still believe that one day, if that day would ever come, that as I open my eyes, I’ll be reading your morning texts again and the end of our story was never real? Or should I just leave all those memories of you behind and pretend that somehow, I could find the easy way out from the exact same place where you left me.
Why did I ever let myself fall this deep? And now I’m drowning in my own tears.
I guess it really wasn’t meant to be. Never has been and never will be. But the right thing is always a hard thing. And this one will be the hardest.. to let you go. You’re free. And I’ll free myself from you.
Not now.. but someday, I swear I will.
the letter i should not have written
Deep black hair, tanned skin, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. And this is how our story began.
You had those cute smiles, mad jokes and everything just started off so innocent. We had good chats and good laughs and I felt electrified every time our bodies brush against each other. Until one day, I woke up realizing how willingly ready I am to fall for you and take the possibility of crashing hard to the ground. And I did, I have completely fallen for you.
I love how your heart sounded as I lay my head down on your bare chest and how my thoughts lingered on that beautiful smile. I watched you sleep and you looked so cute even though you snore a lot. Oh God I just love this boy, I just love tracing his every inch and outline.
We used to stay up late talking for hours, exchanging I love yous and acting like we are lovers, which we never were. Not even once did you ever ask me to make everything official. I was thinking that maybe, you’re just not ready for anything “real” yet and I didn’t want to rush things because I’m afraid to end up looking so desperate for an assurance. So I decided to just patiently wait. This madness lasted for months. And then we just stopped texting and talking and that’s when I knew it was over.
The waves of thoughts and regrets almost drowned me. I did not know how to feel. Am I supposed to get angry, who am I to get angry anyway? How could I possibly lose what was never mine? For a thousand times, I wished my feelings for you could walk out of my life just as easy as how you did, but it can’t. Every time I try to turn the page, I’ll come across you at the corridor or in the middle of a crowded street then suddenly feel my heart drop. I keep asking myself what went wrong, what made you toss my heart like a trash as if it meant nothing? But I could not find any answer. No ending, no said goodbye. And up until now, I still bite my lip at this memory:
We almost made it,
We could have made it.
What if we did?
But we didn’t.
We didn’t.
Then came this one good talk with him after long, long time of holding back my sobs whenever I hear a song that would remind me of those stolen kisses in the corner of his apartment and let myself sing with every lyric of it, one drop of tear at a time.
Just one good talk, after all the resentments I felt for two long years about losing myself in the darkness of no longer seeing how his eyes shine like a jagged glass touched by a ray of light whenever he looks into mine.
Just one good talk, after the days I spent writhing in pain with the thought of how he used to fog my eyeglasses with every breath of his intimacy and how much I still long for it.
Just one good talk, after the bits of my heart scattered on the floor, pondered on painful hopes of having his voice on the other end of the line again, refusing to say goodnight.
It only took one good talk,
Just one. Good. Talk. That made my shattered pieces run back to the same person who broke me.
And then you held me,
So dearly yet so firm
With the tip of your fingers rolling around my skin,
On every hump of my bones
You were saying you want me,
All of me
Then you pressed me against the wall
And told me how lovely I looked that day
You grabbed me by the hair and kissed me hardly on the neck
While I can feel the warmth of your breath sinking into my veins,
Down to the sensation that tickled my stomach, around and below
With your arms wrapped tightly on my waist
And I let you do it,
Without playing it hard, I did.
My mind tried to resist
But my body kept on devoting its passion for the taste of your soul
It suddenly felt like the sweetest crime
A woman could ever commit.
We became one for a bounded moment,
And I did not regret it.
Every second was a love felt,
A need satisfied.
It was better than good
That no word could ever deserve to describe it.
Since then I kept longing for it, begging for it.
“I am this man’s. I am his. Only his.”
“I’m still craving for the same fire that used to burn me down to ashes.”— I’m still craving for you, honey.
(via artlesssss)
Expectation: Nami-san
Reality: Nami-san but prettier!!!! ok joke lang wag na magalit
(via artlesssss)
On Turning Twenty
It’s two o'clock in the morning and I’m wide awake, lying on my bed, thinking what should a twenty year old be doing in life by now.
Am I doing it right?
Two decades down and here I am, still spending more than half of the day nestling my head against my favorite pillow while getting excited for an old movie I’d be seeing for the fifth time. I adjust my skirt by wiggling the waist up like a clueless 7-year-old girl who doesn’t have a care in the world. I’m most comfortable with the bed head and PJs look without the lace and underwires on my chest. Sometimes I still dream for that guy who would kiss me like how Bryce Loski kissed Julia Baker in Flipped. Oh and by the way, I can’t cook. I’m always broke. I’m a total bum and I’m perfectly fine with it. I get upset on petty things and usually serve up a dose of sudden pointless anger but I think that’s okay.
I have no idea about the whole twenty-year-old thing and if I’m doing it right but compared to my complicated and emotionally unsure 19-year-old self, I sure am doing better.